Sunday, 15 April 2012

I will.

G'Day,
Last night I did quite a lot of reading on depression. Today I feel as if I am stronger than I have been feeling, and worrying that my behaviour has maybe effected the people around me negatively. I worry that my husbands depression may return. I will try to be less impatient and communicate better with the people around me (Mum). I will try to be more positive. I will try to not let my worries and frustration over flow onto the other people in my house because of it.
Yeah well I tried. But bloody hell it is so F****g frustrating with my Mum here. If I talk to her she asks me to repeat 3 times, then I have to go back to the beginning of each sentence and re explain it all to her over again. If I talk to her it opens the door to a never ending rattling of words and advice straight back that , Yes! I repeat! Never ends. She has no sense of what she is saying being wrong or intrusive or prejudiced or negative, she never has. And I can feel the old bloody pressure rise and my frustration along with it. It is so hard. I always have to be the strong one and consider every one else's feelings and shut off my own needs in case I worry someone else. Oh my, this post has turned bad hasn't it.
I have a duty of care towards her and it drags me down. You see a poor old lady, I see a mindless torment. You see a angry impatient selfish daughter, I see no future without frustration. You see, a romantic notion of looking after elders in a society where many are put aside in nursing homes and mistreated. I agree with that one, nursing homes aren't always nice places, I worked in one for many years, but it really isn't a loving fairy tale existence to do it yourself either. It is bloody hard. Nursing homes are cruel places, where patients are made to fit the mold of routine etc and sit there waiting to die. But they do get medical, physical and social care that they otherwise might miss by staying in their own homes. I don't know about other countries, but here they are also very very expensive. Doing that to my Mum is out of the question for me.
Yes I know all the cliche's, I have heard them, seen them, felt them. I know I am not being a nice person. Walk a mile in my shoes.
I love my Mum, but by god, she drives me mad!

10 comments:

Barbara/myth maker said...

((((HUGS))) You Are a nice person! Being a care taker is so damn hard. And having to deal with the mother/daughter dynamic on top of that can be a incredible amount of stress upon you. Don't knock yourself down. You just need a break.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Oh Linda, my heart hurts for you! You are not being a bad daughter, I know you are a caring person, and you love your mother. You are tired, and frustrated, and feeling very burdened by her constant presence and repetitive conversation. It would be very hard for any of us, it's definitely not easy. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Each day we just do the best we can, and no one has the patience of a saint! Is there any kind of adult daycare or respite services there so you could get out by yourself one afternoon a week, just some breathing space and time away from the constant care and worry?

You also cannot take on the full responsibility for your husband's depression. I have lived with this situation in my family and I know for certain that you do the best you can, and they do to, and sometimes they do ok, and sometimes they just don't. It doesn't mean you are the problem. Their inability to cope is at the heart of the issue. Once again, love is all you can give and then the best you have for that day. If you make it to nightfall without killing someone or yourself, consider it a success and give yourself a treat like a soak in a hot tub of bubbles with candles. Release all that pent up energy into your pottery wheel and make beautiful things to treasure. This time will not always be with you, there will be better days to come. I hope you can get out for walks a bit, and do some reading, anything to distract you for awhile. And remember that we are always here for you to listen and to care. If it begins to feel like more than you can possible deal with, talk to someone there, don't let it pull you down too! HUGS, Josie

Winterwood said...

I agree with the above poster.. you do need to release some of that frustration and anger that goes with it. Its normal yes normal to feel all these things I think in this situation with your mum! I know - been there done that! hard, and even though you love your parents when they get like this its v v hard to see them as your parents and not kids which is what they become. Get all that pent up stuff out Linda!(ps youre not bad)

linda may said...

She spends 6mths at my sister's house, then 6mths here. and that doesn't go well either, she has a pathlogical hate of her husband which makes it very difficult there too. When she takes a set on someone there is no going back for her.
Thanks guys. It means a lot to me that there are good people like you out there that care and have felt some of the stuff I am feeling at the moment.

LindyLouMac in Italy said...

Thinking of you, try to stay strong and positive.

Anonymous said...

I'll come talk to her and bring my son for a diversion if you like!! Or I can take her out for a walk through the Rose Gardens at OPH!!

I don't have the same situation but when my Mum comes to stay it like that!

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