Last night I did quite a lot of reading on depression. Today I feel as if I am stronger than I have been feeling, and worrying that my behaviour has maybe effected the people around me negatively. I worry that my husbands depression may return. I will try to be less impatient and communicate better with the people around me (Mum). I will try to be more positive. I will try to not let my worries and frustration over flow onto the other people in my house because of it.
Yeah well I tried. But bloody hell it is so F****g frustrating with my Mum here. If I talk to her she asks me to repeat 3 times, then I have to go back to the beginning of each sentence and re explain it all to her over again. If I talk to her it opens the door to a never ending rattling of words and advice straight back that , Yes! I repeat! Never ends. She has no sense of what she is saying being wrong or intrusive or prejudiced or negative, she never has. And I can feel the old bloody pressure rise and my frustration along with it. It is so hard. I always have to be the strong one and consider every one else's feelings and shut off my own needs in case I worry someone else. Oh my, this post has turned bad hasn't it.
I have a duty of care towards her and it drags me down. You see a poor old lady, I see a mindless torment. You see a angry impatient selfish daughter, I see no future without frustration. You see, a romantic notion of looking after elders in a society where many are put aside in nursing homes and mistreated. I agree with that one, nursing homes aren't always nice places, I worked in one for many years, but it really isn't a loving fairy tale existence to do it yourself either. It is bloody hard. Nursing homes are cruel places, where patients are made to fit the mold of routine etc and sit there waiting to die. But they do get medical, physical and social care that they otherwise might miss by staying in their own homes. I don't know about other countries, but here they are also very very expensive. Doing that to my Mum is out of the question for me.
Yes I know all the cliche's, I have heard them, seen them, felt them. I know I am not being a nice person. Walk a mile in my shoes.
I love my Mum, but by god, she drives me mad!