I have been tired this week. Don't really know why because I am usually fairly busy but this week I am tired. Probably the few nights I stayed in Wagga during my daughter's surgery put my sleep cycles out of whack. Her surgery went well, she is young and healthy so is getting over it quite easily. Worried about the scarring that will mark her pretty little flat tummy. Will get her some oil to rub on it. I am taking her back to Wagga today, when she gets out of bed.
How the hell did I raise such untidy kids. Her stuff is scattered all around the house. Her brothers are messy too. I should have been more bossy with them and did less of the housework myself. It was not as if I didn't try to teach them how to be tidy or clean up after themselves. I am a cleaner, maybe that is my life's work. He he. Ah well.
Worry? Yes that is a given isn't it? It is something we all do. No matter how hard we try to fight it, it always comes back to bite us on the bum, when we least need to have it waste our precious time.
I remember when I was 17 I made a trip to Brisbane to visit my sister who was working and living up there at the time. I had the use of her car and crashed it. A big furniture truck was in the left lane and turning left and I was trying to turn right into a busy six lane road. The lights at the intersection up the road were red and there was nothing coming so I thought that I was o.k and pulled out, and crunch, a car was beside the truck, I didn't see and I got it. I had to take the car to my sister and fess up. I had to get a loan to pay for the repairs, my sister had to catch the bus, the lady in the other car got a minor cut on her finger and I did the "what if" thing that drives us all mad when we do something wrong. I learned from that about worrying after the event.
No you can't turn the clock back. You can't go back to the "what ifs" and think If I had just turned left and not right and gone around the block and though the lights instead of trying to turn right. If that truck had not been so low to the ground and I could have seen under it.
If, If, If.....How bloody destructive and self defeating the "what ifs" can be.
How they can make you cry your heart out and still can't change the facts. I vowed then that I would never put myself through them again. That was my most serious car crash. I have backed into a couple of posts and someone ran into the back of me once but other than the Brisbane crash I have been lucky, or was that skill or caution. My kids say I drive like an old lady. They didn't know what a hoon I was when I was younger. He he. There was nothing I loved more than sliding and skidding around corners and spinning around in the mud on the stock reserves.
When I first started going out with Peter he used to sink down in the seat when I drove like that, everybody used to turn around and stare because it was a girl driving and they expected to see a young bloke and not a girl and I thought that was hilarious. Now I shake my head at people who drive like that and say I am glad that it is their tyres and petrol they are using. I must be getting old, he he. Country kids get to play like that and the city kids learn to drive differently. The road rules have all tightened up since I was a kid too.
But... of course , the what ifs always come back to haunt you next time around don't they. In hindsight.
What if I had been tougher,
If I tried harder,
If I was stronger,
If I did it differently,
If I was not weaker,
If I just gave in,
If I had been softer?
A myriad of what ifs.
Round and round in circles,
Biting your own bum,
Gets you absolutely nowhere,
So here is an annoying cliche for you.
It gets you nowhere. But yes we all still do worry. It is human nature.
Better go and get that girl out of bed and back on the road.