Sunday Scribblings, "Aging"

Elizabeth

Tree spirit.

G'Day,
I have just had the best three days I have had for a long time. On Friday night Peter and I went to a concert to see Russel Morris and Brian Cadd. Two great old Aussie rockers from the seventies. Russel used to have thin, straight , long blond hair which has been replaced by...none. He is completely bald headed. Brian always had a head full of silky light brown hair with a beard to match, his hair and beard now days is pure white, but still long and silky. So, as you could imagine, amongst a crowd of similar aged people to myself, there were lots of hair jokes, and age jokes. These guys faces and bodies are ageing but all of their talent is still there. Well ... I thought we both had a wonderful time.
I spent this Saturday and Sunday with the Potter's club in Wagga at a 2 day workshop tutored by a Beechworth potter Judy Pierce. I haven't made sculpted faces before. Everybody made their own style of things. I made my Elizabeth bust and also a second one. I had the idea of one of those giant red river gums that you see by the river which are hundreds of years old. I made a tree but with a spirit mask enclosed within its branches. They just have to survive the drying firing and transporting processes first.
I also had lunch on Saturday with a couple of girlfriends and went out for tea with the potters after the Saturday part of the workshop.
I had a sense of forboding all the way home tonight coming back here and finding out..... Even though I thought we were going to be o.k.
I just came home and got a phone call from Peter and I asked him if he had been in contact with Sharon, the woman we have had this crisis in our marriage over, and he told me no but that he was expecting her to call him for his birthday tomorrow. I said well you better make up your mind because I will not wait around and asked if he was sure what he wanted to do and he said "I don't know, I am 99 percent sure but I don't know". So now I am back in the pit again. Oh Fuck!
Talking to people over the weekend who have been through this ordeal has convinced me that I am not just being paranoid and am justified to feel the way I do about this situation. They have in fact been surprised that I have come back at all after hearing our story.
Is this bastard trying to convince me to leave so he has an easy way out?
Maybe. Probably. It is sure looking like that.
I can't believe that I have been so encouraging to him, using my body and my heart to win him, the way I have been for the last week and trying so bloody hard to overcome my pain and in the process sacrificing more of myself and my dignity.
So dears!
To tie this in with the prompt.
Yep aging.
That is when you have a husband going through a big mid life crisis who may or may not choose to stay with you after you have given him your whole life, for the taste of a younger woman, who has already proven that she is an unfaithful lover to others. If he goes to her, she will very shortly be doing the same thing to him as he is doing to me right now. Poetic justice for the bastard.
I am angry and stressed and broken all over again, I don't know if I am strong enough to leave for good, although I know that I should, and it is the right thing to do right now, as so many women before me have chosen to do in my situation. I am so scared of what my future will bring. I want a crystal ball to tell me what to do. I am so scared.
I know a factor in this is that she has found a lump in her breast and is told it is cancer. Peter's twin sister died of breast cancer when she was just 28 leaving 3 small children behind. He has always had big issues with cancer and is terrified of getting it himself. He has spent the past 20 years working voluntarily with a charity who raises money for its victim's treatment. Her birthday is the day after his, giving Sharon and he the twin link, and I am sure that he associates her with his sister whom he has never gotten over losing. His other sister Maureen said the same thing to me when I last spoke to her on the phone a few days ago.
I am sitting up again tonight. I went to bed a few hours ago but could not sleep. I am trying to keep busy in here.
Love Linda.

G'Day,
It is Thursday night. I have been improving and then sliding backwards again all week. When I am outside and busy and talking to people I feel fine, then when I am alone or at night, my mind runs away with me and I am torturing myself again. I don't know if this is real, I don't know if it is my fault or if what has happened is ever going to set me free. I am not a danger to myself anymore, I do know that much.
At the moment I can't believe he was ready to throw away all of our family and future and past for this silly woman. She now says that there was nothing but friendship between them, which is obviously less than my husband was hoping for, even though he says he loves me and wants me, and I know that she lies when she said that because she has been actively pursuing and encouraging him with my knowledge for a long long time. She says I am pathetic and it is my fault. She is playing games with her ego and told me that she has many prospects other than my husband to follow up on, well, that just reinforces my opinion of her, I wonder how many of those are married too. She really is a piece of work and he was ready to give me up for a possibility of a fling with her. Anyway she has withdrawn from the situation, if I can believe her, and my husband is now feeling like a fool for what has gone on. A big factor in this is that people in Junee that knew them are talking about what has happened between them and what it has done to me, well I am sorry for you dearie but did you really expect me to not need to talk with my friends when I was going crazy and they were all I thought I had left. She obviously thinks more of her image than she does of my husband.
I want him and I want our future still. God help me I don't know why. Maybe I am too dependent.
I go from angry, to sad,to determined, to seductive (yes I can still spice things up, I am not that old yet), to scared, to insecure torture of myself and him, then back and forwards again between all of those things. Last night I had a night mare about the two of them and in my dream I bashed his head in. I have never dreamed about being violent before. I sat up in front of the T.V. until dawn to try to not think about that dream.
Bonus though, I have lost about 7 or 8 kg throughout the last three weeks. But that does include some results from the acid/alkaline diet I was trying to test out at the start of this, probably 3kg of it. That has gone by the wayside though, now I just can't eat much before feeling sick and also, I am trying to continue the weight loss thing anyway.
I am not over this and I don't know how long it will take, but I know what I want and am willing to try to get it back. He says that it is what he wants too and it me that he will stay with. I dunno, I dunno....
I nearly lost my job over this when I ran away from here during the night and left my boss in the lurch. I have never in my life been sacked from a job, but I think that was pretty close. I still have my job, but with reduced hours. Fair enough I guess, but I still have a job.
When I think about the things that have happened during my life and the people who have shit on me (including my own family) I must be such an idiot. If I haven't got a big L for loser tatooed on my forehead I think I must have a big V for victim. Or a big K pinned on my back, for kick me when I am down.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
He is trying his best to be supportive and good to me and reinforce that he loves me, at the moment but I just don't know if it is for real and I can believe him.
Anyway I am back.For better or worse is yet to be seen.But I am back.
That is all for now.
love Linda.

Sunday Scribblings "Where did you come from"

Well G'Day,
I am back after much turmoil and suffering over the last week and bit, but I am back. I want to do everything in my power to fix this.I pray it is what I think it is and is worth th ework that will be involved. I spent yesterday in my car traveling and overnight at The Bay in a caravan park unit. I walked for hours along the little crescent of sandy beach at the van park and had a terrible night. Awaiting a phone call that I sat up and sent messages for about 3 hours, until Pete finished work in the morning to find them. Morning bought some clarity and I am trying to fix this, with conditions, of course. I have been so up, down, crazy and agonized by this situation and have laid down my cards.
Anyway the Sunday Scribblings prompt.

I am from the muddy Murrumbidgee where the water meets the clay bank.
I am from the shore where the water meets the sands.
I am from the silent creek beds in the forrest where the earth holds back the water.
I am Australian
I am from the earth.
I will return to the earth.
But not yet.....

********************************

Yesterday and last night as I walked the shores of the Bay this is what I thought of and went back to the unit where I was staying to write this down. Not with the thought of putting it here on my blog but just for myself because I need to get back to being my creative self which I have lost so much of lately but need to find again.
I liked the first one better than the second, because the second little poem, if I have the right to call it that, has something wrong with the last two lines. Comments appreciated please. I don't pretend to be a poet but sometimes these bits come from me.

First one is...

Silicates and Calcium Carbonate
All worn and broken down
Still existing
Homogenous
Together in the sands.

Second one is....

The Bay.

Brown, pink, red and green
And all shades in between
Strings of pearls, ribbons, leather and lace
From the gardens of the sea
Little plants with buoyed floats
Detritus collected there
Heal on heel, go for miles
Along the pale fine sand
Where the sea comes to land.

Other than that on my mind and in my heart is Elizabeth Brown, or Palmer whatever her title was. She has been walking beside me this past week. She is my great great grandmother and I feel that there is a special link between us. She was an aboriginal lady from near Grenfell, as far as I know, so that probably makes her a part of the Wiradjiri clan, I don't really know because I don't know enough of her story, her husband was 1st generation Aussie born from convict stock.. So that makes me 6Th generation on my Dad's side of the family but if you consider Elizabeth then possibly countless generations of my bloodline in this country.
I have been thinking about the horrors and agonies she must have suffered being part of Australian society well over a hundred years ago now. But she was a survivor by leading the life she had to and I have some of her Genes. Sort of fits the prompt this week eh? She had many children who where taken from her just because they were aboriginal and of mixed blood as part of what is known as the white Australia policy. I am the end result of that cruel and deliberate attempt by the govt of the day to remove all traces of the indigenous peoples of this country, by forbidding, slaughtering and removing the culture and deliberately breeding it out with white blood. The other mix within my blood comes mostly from my father's English ancestors, with a bit of Scots and Welsh thrown in on top from my mother's side. My aboriginal genes are but a small part of my make up .But sometimes I feel them strongly in my connectedness to the land. I spent a lot of time during last week in Wagga sitting by the Murrumbidgee river at Wiradjiri reserve. One of my special places. I have posted in here about this place before, but a long time ago now.
Next weekend I am going to Wagga to a workshop on masks and busts. I have thought of an idea using my imagined image of Elizabeth for the mask, but with her eyes closed and no mouth and gum leaves partially covering her face. Very symbolic. I have it in my mind. If I can make it work I guess a pic will eventually turn up here on my blog some time or other in the future.
That's all this post.
Love Linda.

Update.

G'Day,
I am back in Canberra. I came back last night because I thought well that is it, I will go and pack the rest of my clothes, the furniture has to come later, I have nowhere to put that yet.. Pete and I spent the night together last night, went to the pictures and saw slum dog millionaire. I love him but I am so scared to put myself up to be shit on again. Maybe we should not have been together last night but maybe there is some hope. There will have to be a big big change, on his part as well as mine. I know I am jealous and possessive of him. When a woman loves she wants every little part of that person, plus ,my parents marriage was also unfaithful on my fathers behalf so I know I have a lot of hang ups and insecurities because of that. I still don't think I have been unfair in wanting that. There are no jobs at Junee hosp at the moment but the girls want me back and are going to ring as soon as something is advertised.I have applied for a ward assistants job at Wagga hosp. and it is 78hrs per fortnight, so that is pretty good, If I can get that I will take it. It sounds pretty easy and nothing I could not handle nor have done before. There are a couple of others but those have less hrs , a patient transport driver and a sterilizing assistant, both good, but I would have to do courses and a bit of updating and learning to do them and I don't feel confident of that.
Peter has agreed to arrange counselling for us and I will travel back to Canberra for that if I can do so without damaging my chances at this job if I get it.
Peter's sister Maureen has been wonderful to me so has the lady at the women's health centre in Wagga. I am to see another person there on Monday. She saved my life when I had put all the plans in place to end it, I have been crazy. My Junee friends are there for me and so is my beloved birthday and potting buddy in Wagga, Kath. I have missed them all so much and need to be with them. Kath has rejoined me to the potters club in Wagga and there is a 2 day workshop next weekend, masks and busts. I am so looking forwards to that and I already know what I want to make for the mask part. In my head anyway.
I have had not one friend here in Canberra that I could talk to or fall back on, but I know that is my own fault too because friendships are something you have to pursue and spend time on and I have never been one to do that, even though I have had several chances of that here. I was too busy looking after Mum and Michael and Pete and home and pets and, and,,,,.
Anyway I am going back to Wagga today, or maybe extending and traveling a bit on the way back and spending a night somewhere along the way.
I will eventualy get back here to blog again, don't know when but it probably won't be regular because it will have to be on someone else's computer. There are lots more stories to tell here about the good and kind people who have helped me over the last week, the world is full of good people.
David my son has given me a mobile phone that I have been trying to desperately learn. It is wrapped in a sheet of paper with picture and written info that I wrote myself so that I could understand it. He he.I always refused to have one before but now it is becoming my lifeline.
Love Linda.

G'Day,
Just an update. I spent the afternoon in Canberra hospital after taking an overdose of Valium. I think I had about 10 or 12, not sure. The night before I took just two but the night before that I took eight. I didn't intend to suicide I just wanted to bomb myself out. Just after I took the tablets I got a phone call from one of my old workmates in Junee and told her what I had done and she talked to the sisters at the hospital there and Peter called an ambulance and I had to go in there. They said that the dose would not have been fatal but I needed help because I had taken it and also because of the self harming. Anyway, the Dr there took the rest of the tablets away and after checking everything sent me back home. My friends Linda and Sharon are coming to get me and take me back home to Junee. They should be here in an hour or so. I said I wanted to go home with them, Sharon will drive my car back there for me and I will be staying at Linda's house, probably for a few days. Then I might go to Wagga and stay in my Mums old house with my son David. They said that they are crying out for staff at Junee hospital at present so I will probably get a job similar to what I had there before. I know I am a good worker and have a good reputation with them there. But I also know that the wheels of bureaucracy turn very slowly with them where employment is concerned, so I will see what happens. Michael will stay on in Canberra, my suggestion, because I know that if he returns to Wagga or Junee again it will kill him and we will be back to square one with his depression and anxiety. I have spoken to Brett our boss here and Michael still has a job with him even though things will have to be adjusted somewhat. He has to get his drivers licence now, promising to go on monday morning.
Peter and I tried to talk in the early hours of this morning and he said that he loves me but he loves Sharon. Well for me it is 100 percent or nothing. If he can't give me that then I want nothing else. As well as that, after what has happened between us I know I will never be able to feel the same way again about him or trust him. I love him so much and I have never loved anyone else. But that is it for us.
It is my friend Leonies 50th birthday party on saturday night, I had accepted the invite but them cancelled it, I don't know if I can stand it at the monent.
Bye
Love Linda.

What's going on.

G'Day
I need to write. To try to sort out what is happening and work out in m own mind what is going on. Well I know what is going on.Yes I have dumped my husband.
H e is a habitual flirt and cheat, and has been ever since I knew him. He gets his jollies from making other women turn on to him and then absorbs the compliments and getting his ego stroked. He has done this to me so many times and the last time it happened I gave him an ultimatum, you will not do this again, make your choice now, you have no right to do this to me and I am too old to put up with it any more so I will go . Anyway he chose me.
He has been at it again.
Enter to the mix Sharon. A workmate of his that has been through 1marriage already and was about to embark on her second. Peter did his usual and played his games, she used to run up to him at work and plant a big kiss on him so that all of their other workmates were shocked and they would laugh about the reaction together. Peter used to come home and tell me about it and laugh, but do his usual spiel of nothings happening I have never slept with anyone else and you should feel so lucky that I am honest with you and bring it home to you instead of giving it away. He always said he was honest but never though of the pain and torture taht his honesty caused me an still kept flirting and looking for reasurance that he was atrractive and wanted ny other women. Sharon became engaged to Steve, another workmate but telling him that she would dump him the minute peter said yes. Steve became jealous because of someone else she had been seeing and became aggressive so she dumped him. Peter went to her aid, via phone, email and spent the day with her in wagga 2 weeks ago, under the guise to me that was going there to spend time with our other two children.. He made the decision for me and probably for himself there and then as far as I am concerned. Again he assured me on his return that nothing had happened. But then told me that when they touched there was electricity and he felt like a teenager again. This is the same woman who came into my own home under the guise of friendship and asked me did I mind her visiting Peter while he had been ill with depression and I said to her if he can talk to you that is o.k as long as he is talking to someone about it. What a fool I am. He really can not see what sort of person she is and says she has done no wrong and either has he. He still tells me he has done no wrong and can not see what she is, she deliberately set out to white ant my marriage.
Tonight I was weakening because I rang him from work to say that I was sorry I had been so cruel to him , because I had, and he was sobbing on the phone.. Then later I rang back and said if you give up Sharon I will think about doing some counseling with you and we will see how that goes but I am promising nothing. He has just come home from going out with the boys from work, from whom he had some sympathy and he still says he loves Sharon but he loves me more but that he does not think he can change. That is not good enough for me. It is either all or nothing. I have invested all of my life with this man, I have been with him since just before I was 18 now I am now nearly 50 years old and fat and ugly and no good to anyone. I have a job, with my sons help I can survive.
I am so angry I want to lash out and hurt him back. I threw the frypan at him and put it through the wall yesterday. I just told him I slept with someone else to do that but it was when I was 18 and had only just met him. So he has taken that on board and wants to use that against me to alleviate his guilt. He still thinks that being faithful means not actually doing the sexual intercourse act, but everything else is o.k.
Sharon and he have been sending emails and keeping in contact since we moved to Canberra. They call each other handsome and gorgeous and finish each note with I love you. Two nights ago I read an email from her to handsome saying, If I get this job I can come to Canberra to see more of you, and Linda won't like that but we are friends aren't we,. Well I saw red and sent a very nasty reply to her, After which peter told me I should not upset her. I was stunned and hurt that he had chosen to protect her over me and was putting her feelings before mine. That really hurt. Then later I read an email from him to her saying Sorry for Linda's hate mail, as you can guess we have had a fight and she has stormed out of the house at 3.00 in the morning and is driving somewhere.I replied to that one too saying that She could have him as I had had enough and did not want him back this time. But remember once a cheater always a cheater, but I guess you know all about that, don't you.
For the last 2 nights I have been terrible, the first night I spent in my car driving around. I came home after I thought he would have left for work but he was still here. I could not eat without feeling I was going to vomit, so i did not eat, and did not sleep for about 40 hours and then that was only because I drugged myself with a couple of Valium.. I woke up about 3 hours later in distress and self harmed as well as taking 4 more Valium, then 2 more a short while later and went walking around the bush tracks near my house in the dark for a few hours. Self harm is the act of a crazy woman I know, but it temporarily replaces mental pain with physical pain and I needed to do it. Coming home at dawn.
I have decided that I will tell my children everything from now on and that I will not protect him anymore and let everyone think that I am the bad guy. After talking with him tonight I rethink my decision to try again. It is finished. I do love him but I know it will never be the same again if we reunite and as he believes he can not change and will continue acting the way he always has.... so be it. He keeps saying you have made up your mind to leave but I was still vascillating until now.

Bye for now.

G'day,
Just letting my blog friends know. I am leaving my husband. Therefore I will not have access to a computer until? This and you are one of the things I am going to miss the most. Thank you all for your friendship and support.
Bye for now.
Love Linda.