Thursday, 12 March 2009

What's going on.

I need to write. To try to sort out what is happening and work out in m own mind what is going on. Well I know what is going on.Yes I have dumped my husband.
H e is a habitual flirt and cheat, and has been ever since I knew him. He gets his jollies from making other women turn on to him and then absorbs the compliments and getting his ego stroked. He has done this to me so many times and the last time it happened I gave him an ultimatum, you will not do this again, make your choice now, you have no right to do this to me and I am too old to put up with it any more so I will go . Anyway he chose me.
He has been at it again.
Enter to the mix Sharon. A workmate of his that has been through 1marriage already and was about to embark on her second. Peter did his usual and played his games, she used to run up to him at work and plant a big kiss on him so that all of their other workmates were shocked and they would laugh about the reaction together. Peter used to come home and tell me about it and laugh, but do his usual spiel of nothings happening I have never slept with anyone else and you should feel so lucky that I am honest with you and bring it home to you instead of giving it away. He always said he was honest but never though of the pain and torture taht his honesty caused me an still kept flirting and looking for reasurance that he was atrractive and wanted ny other women. Sharon became engaged to Steve, another workmate but telling him that she would dump him the minute peter said yes. Steve became jealous because of someone else she had been seeing and became aggressive so she dumped him. Peter went to her aid, via phone, email and spent the day with her in wagga 2 weeks ago, under the guise to me that was going there to spend time with our other two children.. He made the decision for me and probably for himself there and then as far as I am concerned. Again he assured me on his return that nothing had happened. But then told me that when they touched there was electricity and he felt like a teenager again. This is the same woman who came into my own home under the guise of friendship and asked me did I mind her visiting Peter while he had been ill with depression and I said to her if he can talk to you that is o.k as long as he is talking to someone about it. What a fool I am. He really can not see what sort of person she is and says she has done no wrong and either has he. He still tells me he has done no wrong and can not see what she is, she deliberately set out to white ant my marriage.
Tonight I was weakening because I rang him from work to say that I was sorry I had been so cruel to him , because I had, and he was sobbing on the phone.. Then later I rang back and said if you give up Sharon I will think about doing some counseling with you and we will see how that goes but I am promising nothing. He has just come home from going out with the boys from work, from whom he had some sympathy and he still says he loves Sharon but he loves me more but that he does not think he can change. That is not good enough for me. It is either all or nothing. I have invested all of my life with this man, I have been with him since just before I was 18 now I am now nearly 50 years old and fat and ugly and no good to anyone. I have a job, with my sons help I can survive.
I am so angry I want to lash out and hurt him back. I threw the frypan at him and put it through the wall yesterday. I just told him I slept with someone else to do that but it was when I was 18 and had only just met him. So he has taken that on board and wants to use that against me to alleviate his guilt. He still thinks that being faithful means not actually doing the sexual intercourse act, but everything else is o.k.
Sharon and he have been sending emails and keeping in contact since we moved to Canberra. They call each other handsome and gorgeous and finish each note with I love you. Two nights ago I read an email from her to handsome saying, If I get this job I can come to Canberra to see more of you, and Linda won't like that but we are friends aren't we,. Well I saw red and sent a very nasty reply to her, After which peter told me I should not upset her. I was stunned and hurt that he had chosen to protect her over me and was putting her feelings before mine. That really hurt. Then later I read an email from him to her saying Sorry for Linda's hate mail, as you can guess we have had a fight and she has stormed out of the house at 3.00 in the morning and is driving somewhere.I replied to that one too saying that She could have him as I had had enough and did not want him back this time. But remember once a cheater always a cheater, but I guess you know all about that, don't you.
For the last 2 nights I have been terrible, the first night I spent in my car driving around. I came home after I thought he would have left for work but he was still here. I could not eat without feeling I was going to vomit, so i did not eat, and did not sleep for about 40 hours and then that was only because I drugged myself with a couple of Valium.. I woke up about 3 hours later in distress and self harmed as well as taking 4 more Valium, then 2 more a short while later and went walking around the bush tracks near my house in the dark for a few hours. Self harm is the act of a crazy woman I know, but it temporarily replaces mental pain with physical pain and I needed to do it. Coming home at dawn.
I have decided that I will tell my children everything from now on and that I will not protect him anymore and let everyone think that I am the bad guy. After talking with him tonight I rethink my decision to try again. It is finished. I do love him but I know it will never be the same again if we reunite and as he believes he can not change and will continue acting the way he always has.... so be it. He keeps saying you have made up your mind to leave but I was still vascillating until now.


Sorrow said...

Oh Linda
there is so much hurt here
I don't have any words,
no idea what to say to you..
You must take care of you..
and do what you feel is best for your heart, your mind, your well being.
I have a good and dear friend who left her husband at 53, went back to college , and is doing great!
so NEVER think age is a factor in happiness.
Sending you a hug
across the miles

Bimbimbie said...

Dear Linda, I'm stunned by your news and sorry for the pain and turmoil you are feeling but PLEASE be kind to yourself and try to get some sleep give your head a chance to rest, I echo Sorrow, you have to take care of yourself. x

Winterwood said...

I am stunned by this news too Linda but echoing Sorrows and bimbimbies posts, PLease please look after YOU!!! Seek some councelling with an impartail person if you need to to help you get some perspective and help of a practical kind. I cant get over this its so sad how this has happened to you. (((((hugs)))) and please keep us posted. Take care.

miss*R said...

Linda! please, please email me.. I can't put into a comment what i want to say.. but I have been there. My ex cheated on me like yours has and I know how soul destroying it is.. but there is light.
Be strong..go and talk to someone, try a womens refuge centre, they always have someone there.

It makes me so angry when other people play with your emotions like this. It will be a long journey, sometimes a hard one but there is like I said a light at the end...
sending much love always, xoxo

Shadow said...

i've read this after i sent you the mail this morning. hope to hear back from you darling linda! hugs!!!