Thursday, 26 March 2009

It is Thursday night. I have been improving and then sliding backwards again all week. When I am outside and busy and talking to people I feel fine, then when I am alone or at night, my mind runs away with me and I am torturing myself again. I don't know if this is real, I don't know if it is my fault or if what has happened is ever going to set me free. I am not a danger to myself anymore, I do know that much.
At the moment I can't believe he was ready to throw away all of our family and future and past for this silly woman. She now says that there was nothing but friendship between them, which is obviously less than my husband was hoping for, even though he says he loves me and wants me, and I know that she lies when she said that because she has been actively pursuing and encouraging him with my knowledge for a long long time. She says I am pathetic and it is my fault. She is playing games with her ego and told me that she has many prospects other than my husband to follow up on, well, that just reinforces my opinion of her, I wonder how many of those are married too. She really is a piece of work and he was ready to give me up for a possibility of a fling with her. Anyway she has withdrawn from the situation, if I can believe her, and my husband is now feeling like a fool for what has gone on. A big factor in this is that people in Junee that knew them are talking about what has happened between them and what it has done to me, well I am sorry for you dearie but did you really expect me to not need to talk with my friends when I was going crazy and they were all I thought I had left. She obviously thinks more of her image than she does of my husband.
I want him and I want our future still. God help me I don't know why. Maybe I am too dependent.
I go from angry, to sad,to determined, to seductive (yes I can still spice things up, I am not that old yet), to scared, to insecure torture of myself and him, then back and forwards again between all of those things. Last night I had a night mare about the two of them and in my dream I bashed his head in. I have never dreamed about being violent before. I sat up in front of the T.V. until dawn to try to not think about that dream.
Bonus though, I have lost about 7 or 8 kg throughout the last three weeks. But that does include some results from the acid/alkaline diet I was trying to test out at the start of this, probably 3kg of it. That has gone by the wayside though, now I just can't eat much before feeling sick and also, I am trying to continue the weight loss thing anyway.
I am not over this and I don't know how long it will take, but I know what I want and am willing to try to get it back. He says that it is what he wants too and it me that he will stay with. I dunno, I dunno....
I nearly lost my job over this when I ran away from here during the night and left my boss in the lurch. I have never in my life been sacked from a job, but I think that was pretty close. I still have my job, but with reduced hours. Fair enough I guess, but I still have a job.
When I think about the things that have happened during my life and the people who have shit on me (including my own family) I must be such an idiot. If I haven't got a big L for loser tatooed on my forehead I think I must have a big V for victim. Or a big K pinned on my back, for kick me when I am down.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
He is trying his best to be supportive and good to me and reinforce that he loves me, at the moment but I just don't know if it is for real and I can believe him.
Anyway I am back.For better or worse is yet to be seen.But I am back.
That is all for now.
love Linda.


Winterwood said...

Linda - PLEASE do not be so hard on yourself... this situation would drive the strongest of us into a spin and spiral down into analysing the whole thing over and over, and yes, while youhave a long way to go to get back to some form of recovery in this relationship, go easy and slow and be nice to yourself. Your worth it!! Pleae kkep us posted and are you having any form of councelling from a porfessional source. It may be just the boost you need.

Shadow said...

firstly i am so very happy to see you are back. and now? now you need to become a big buddy with father time. time is the only thing that'll fade the memories and the intense feelings. nighttime and alone time are the worst. i speak from experience here. that's when thoughts can drive you crazy and usually when other people are inaccessible to you... after all, not many people are awake at 3a.m... i'm glad you've decided to stand up and fight though. much better than sitting back and letting everything and everyone walk over you. and so many years together does count for something, it's not so easy to throw away, no matter what anyone says. stick with the people who are kind to you and support you, who encourage you, and stay away from the gossip mongers. although you may know what they're saying is rubbish, when one is vulnerable, little things can tip the balance. and look after yourself and your health and you'll be able to fight and stay strong. and while you're about it, look for things you like to do, by yourself, to become a little more independent, something that provides fun and pleasure. while you're growing, you may at least make it fun too??? sending you lots of love and strenght and once again, i'm so glad you're back!

Merle said...

G'Day Dear Linda ~~ I am so glad you are back with us and that things have settled down some. Congrats on the weight loss, but a darn hard way to lose it. Try to believe in yourself and also in Pete. Maybe he will do better in future. Don't blame yourself Linda. That person was a piece of work and could not be trusted to tell the truth, and to go for any man, married or not.
A great many of us care about you so much dear friend. I hope you can be really happy again very soon. Love you Linda. Take care of yourself. Merle.