Sunday, 29 March 2009
Sunday Scribblings, "Aging"
I have just had the best three days I have had for a long time. On Friday night Peter and I went to a concert to see Russel Morris and Brian Cadd. Two great old Aussie rockers from the seventies. Russel used to have thin, straight , long blond hair which has been replaced by...none. He is completely bald headed. Brian always had a head full of silky light brown hair with a beard to match, his hair and beard now days is pure white, but still long and silky. So, as you could imagine, amongst a crowd of similar aged people to myself, there were lots of hair jokes, and age jokes. These guys faces and bodies are ageing but all of their talent is still there. Well ... I thought we both had a wonderful time.
I spent this Saturday and Sunday with the Potter's club in Wagga at a 2 day workshop tutored by a Beechworth potter Judy Pierce. I haven't made sculpted faces before. Everybody made their own style of things. I made my Elizabeth bust and also a second one. I had the idea of one of those giant red river gums that you see by the river which are hundreds of years old. I made a tree but with a spirit mask enclosed within its branches. They just have to survive the drying firing and transporting processes first.
I also had lunch on Saturday with a couple of girlfriends and went out for tea with the potters after the Saturday part of the workshop.
I had a sense of forboding all the way home tonight coming back here and finding out..... Even though I thought we were going to be o.k.
I just came home and got a phone call from Peter and I asked him if he had been in contact with Sharon, the woman we have had this crisis in our marriage over, and he told me no but that he was expecting her to call him for his birthday tomorrow. I said well you better make up your mind because I will not wait around and asked if he was sure what he wanted to do and he said "I don't know, I am 99 percent sure but I don't know". So now I am back in the pit again. Oh Fuck!
Talking to people over the weekend who have been through this ordeal has convinced me that I am not just being paranoid and am justified to feel the way I do about this situation. They have in fact been surprised that I have come back at all after hearing our story.
Is this bastard trying to convince me to leave so he has an easy way out?
Maybe. Probably. It is sure looking like that.
I can't believe that I have been so encouraging to him, using my body and my heart to win him, the way I have been for the last week and trying so bloody hard to overcome my pain and in the process sacrificing more of myself and my dignity.
To tie this in with the prompt.
That is when you have a husband going through a big mid life crisis who may or may not choose to stay with you after you have given him your whole life, for the taste of a younger woman, who has already proven that she is an unfaithful lover to others. If he goes to her, she will very shortly be doing the same thing to him as he is doing to me right now. Poetic justice for the bastard.
I am angry and stressed and broken all over again, I don't know if I am strong enough to leave for good, although I know that I should, and it is the right thing to do right now, as so many women before me have chosen to do in my situation. I am so scared of what my future will bring. I want a crystal ball to tell me what to do. I am so scared.
I know a factor in this is that she has found a lump in her breast and is told it is cancer. Peter's twin sister died of breast cancer when she was just 28 leaving 3 small children behind. He has always had big issues with cancer and is terrified of getting it himself. He has spent the past 20 years working voluntarily with a charity who raises money for its victim's treatment. Her birthday is the day after his, giving Sharon and he the twin link, and I am sure that he associates her with his sister whom he has never gotten over losing. His other sister Maureen said the same thing to me when I last spoke to her on the phone a few days ago.
I am sitting up again tonight. I went to bed a few hours ago but could not sleep. I am trying to keep busy in here.